This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
