it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
