we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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