Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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