I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
