hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
my liver is dry heaving
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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