come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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