marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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