WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
