my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
