i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
