another moral hangover. fuck.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
