I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
