drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it penis luge time yet?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
