Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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