Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
A+ Viking dick
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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