she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
