don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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