We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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