I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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