The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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