So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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