Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
