Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
