you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
