I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
