She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
