When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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