I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
