My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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