If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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