M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
