I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
