Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
