Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
