im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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