why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
