Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
