John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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