no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
