i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
