it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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