I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
