and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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