i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
