You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
