On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
