I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
