dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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