i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
